I'm leaving The X Bridge and the forums for a while.
I'll be back, but I need to take some time out for a while. Probably next year or so. It doesn't matter. I don't think I'll be missed around these parts. And if I am, they'll get over it.
I've undergoing many emotions now. I'm having problems at home. My grandfather's health has taken a turn for the worse. His already small frame continues to deteriorate from his cancer, almost turning him skeletal. Now, he's at the point that he can't really eat much and just lays down all day long. I'm seeing my grandfather die right before my eyes, and the sad thing is waiting for the end. I've been his primary caregiver ever since I graduated from college. I know my family said I could do but so much, but I feel I could have done more for him. It's almost like I'm failing my grandfather every day.
I'm depressed and lacking focus on just about everything. At times, it feels like I'm only being negative. The last couple of posts I've made around here have either been complaining about the state of the world or wishing what I wanted to see but will never be, thus depressing me all over again. Must be a masochist or something. But seriously, the only thing that comes from complaining is more complaining. When change does come, it only occurs when there's a universal concensus that it must come, and that's rarer than a green cardinal.
There's a time when you have to look back and see what you've done, see how people see you, see who your real friends are, see what kind of impact and legacy you'll leave behind. I've done that. Some things I'm very proud of. I'm proud of Thoughtnami and The X Bridge and some of the things I've brought to the forefront. Some things I'm not very proud of. I know I could have handled the Revolution Board situation better, even though part of that was completely out of my hand, and the fact that I've ruined a couple of friendships and alliances still bugs me to this day (and if I haven't said it enough, I'm still sorry about what went down, SC and Patrick). Some people see me as a good guy, but I'm no saint. Some people see me as the devil incarnate, but I'm not that bad. I have a few people I try to contact online, but I don't have any real friends. Acquaintances, yes, but no friends. Not in the real world either. I doubt that I left a significant impact, and my legacy is basically me whining and complaining about stuff I have no control over, and those that do have control over them don't want any part of me at all. Not really nothing I'd like to be remembered for.
I need to do something with my life. I want to create something that lasts longer than I do. This website is nice, but I don't want my obituary to just say "he was a webmaster of a once-popular fansite." I want to find a real place in this world, not a virtual place which I have done. I want to find myself doing something that means something. Some people find what I've done here has impacted a few, but I don't want The X Bridge or Thoughtnami to define me, my legacy, and who I am.
That's why I have to take some time off for a while. I'll return one day. Don't know when that day will be, but it'll be sooner rather than later. I need to find myself, clear my head of doubt, frustration, and uncertainty. I need to spend more time with my grandfather while I still can. The world changes, and I feel I need to change with it. I need to see if I could find a creative side that isn't limited to rantings on a webpage. I need to grow up.
I'll be back. This isn't the end by any shot. This is only good-bye for now. Thank you so much for letting me be a small part of your travels on this web.
Jeff Harris,
The X Bridge Creator/Webmaster
November 27 (still missing you Grandma), 2007
*disconnect transmission*
